i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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