When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
