I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
