just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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