my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize