I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
