ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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