remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
