I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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