They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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