Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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