Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
