just tell him i said nine months
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
