Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize