You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
