Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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