i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
