Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
