i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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