Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
