he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
