there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
