if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
