Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
