everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
