the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
