Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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