ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
