hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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