Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
