and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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