what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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