I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
