....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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