i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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