I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
