Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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