Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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