My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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