just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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