Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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