it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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