I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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