got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
