this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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