I accidentally had phone sex last night
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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