dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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