Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
