Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
