The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
