i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
