I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
