as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
