I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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