omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
